A Bit of Passion. A Bit of Frenzy.

how?

how, i ask myself. how did i do it again?
Optimistic Me says you have always had the musical talent like they say. it's just a matter of whether you perform well, she says. everyone else has always believed in you, but it's just that youve never had much confidence.
Skeptical Me says that it was just luck again. luck. pure luck. L-U-C-K. you're just too inconsistent to be a good performer, she says. when you get insecure, you fall flat on your face. see what happened at state for solo? it was another good chance and you blew it. Skeptical Me feels the need to always remind me of what could have happened.
Optimistic Me counters: but see what happened at state for duet? you went in aiming for that 1st place winner trophy,the only one missing from your state medal collection and you got it. unbelievably, you got it. it can't be just luck! if it's really luck, then you must have an absurd amount of luck. no, they weren't luck. when you relax and have even the slightest confidence, see what you can do!
... State duet 1st place wasn't luck; solo performance with the Gateway Festival Orchestra wasn't luck; FIAO 1st Place and Best Overall Performer weren't luck; Morning Etude Music Club 1st Place wasn't luck; FITE Family 2nd Place wasn't luck; SLAMTA Gold Medal wasn't luck; playing solo live on the radio wasn't luck; AND, last saturday's MO Western Young Artist was certainly not luck. see how you placed 2nd, above all these people you know from other competitions, among 20 ppl in the tri-state area, above that prodigy girl you know from the other competition! No. At some point, you have to start believing in yourself and your musical abilities. you have "fine and interesting musical details," just like the judge at state said...
Skeptical Me can't stand this. well maybe you do have a ridiculous amount of luck! those placements certainly wouldn't have happened without luck. do you even see the people you "beat" ? how can you possibly think you play at the same level as them?
Optimistic Me says if you continuously beat them in competitions, then maybe you do play at the same level. maybe you are better. you can't doubt the judges' decisions. when you try to say that you didn't really deserve those awards, then you're basically saying that the judges didn't know what they were doing. so you're saying that these judges, who came out of Julliard, Paris, Peabody, didn't know their music? bullshit! you gotta stop being Skeptical. you have to start believing in yourself.

Chopin's first ballade. a strong start. convert into a soft lyrical theme. produce a sobbing effect with the lagging chords. free-flowing with the bursts of plays on the theme. slowly accelerate into fits of deep passion. second lyrical theme. slow and relaxing. sweetly. the wild, frenzy coda. it's wild and passionate.. overwhelming... can't take it anymore.. going crazy.. bam. beautiful, beautiful G.

http://www.lafolia.com/archive/levin/levin200301chopin.html

i still hang on to Skeptical Me for dear life. But Optimistic Me is slowly dominating. Very slowly.

here i mark my retirement from solo competitions.
it's been a good run. i can look back and just smile.

a few more concerto competitions to go...
and guest solo performance with the St. Charles Symphony in March - the whole Grieg Concerto :)

Currently Listening We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things By Jason Mraz I'm Yours see related

wow. iwon.

this last month's been hectic but good.

04.27- FIAO italian young artist. wow. i won division II. i also won Best Overall Performance. this means solo concerto performance with the Gateway Festival Orchestra. two months. let's do it. im so very excited. i think im learning the first mvt of Grieg a minor. originally, we wanted to do Liszt's Hungarian Fantasy. but apparently that piece may give the ensemble some trouble in terms of being together.. but no matter, i fell in love with the Grieg too. this is the answer. teacher said, "how are you going to top this past year next year? you did so well." well this is the answer. next year will be the concerto year. let's take the concertos to every concerto competition around. i think ill learn Hungarian Fantasy for Youth if i get to it.

AP tests and SAT. OH jeez. got SAT back and wow, did better than i ever imagined i would do. first take too. i guess i wont retake. AP... i think i failed bio ahhaahah i hate bio, but im so done with it now.

summer. SUMMER! cardinal games, movie nights, sleepovers. 27 dresses, 13 going on 30, 21 ... soon it'll be senior year. SENIOR YEAR. last year of high school. college apps. goodbye high school. wow. it's been almost four years already. for some reason, im so very excited for senior year.

so very excited.

Upcoming Dates:

06.26 - 06.27      = FBLA Nationals in Atlanta.
07.18                  = The Dark Knight !!!!!!!!
07.27, 7:30pm   = Gateway Festival Orchestra performance at WashU.
07.04                  = Start of Marching Band
08.14                    = First Day of School! damn.

Nicole, you said you wouldn't go back to xanga last time but you did again. We have to catch up and talk about ... stuff :]

"it's your god-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved looooooved"

Currently Listening The Chopin Ballades & Scherzos [Hybrid SACD] Ballade No. 1 in g minor see related

wow, it's been more than two years since i last updated xanga.. i guess this will be more of a place where i think aloud.. facebook will be the rest :P

so i've been thinking about the crazily busy weeks that are coming up. school, piano, ap tests, research paper, sat, FBLA state.. out of those things, though, piano seems to be taking up most of my schedule. there're two competitions in the next two weeks, not to mention the student awards performance this thursday and the spring recital... sometimes i wonder why i spend so much time on piano. ever since i started, it's been piano practice in the afternoons. it's not like im going to continue taking lessons in college.. it's not like im going to major or minor in music. why am i still playing, when everything else already makes my schedule so full? i guess it's just something that i've done forever. i guess it won't feel right without it. and i guess now i just love playing. obviously i don't continue for the prize money from winning competitions, 'cause the lesson fees outweigh the prizes.. but it just feels good to be able to go sit and play something on a bad day and just relax. that's what chopin's first ballade let me do. that ballade's the reason i love playing so much now. i should be thankful i came across it, and i guess i should thank my mom for yelling at me to practice everyday. i wonder what it'll be like in college, to not have to practice piano everyday and not take lessons. i hope i own a Steinway grand... someday. music is love. music is life..

it's what keeps me going.

oh lord,

the psat

im going back to
cali => oakland.

on a less than 24 hour notice

im leaving wed after school, and coming back friday...

dang now im missing my prism concert solo and piano lesson and last match of tennis season.... well missing history test too.. yay?

oh well

hope i get to see some of you =\

this was unexpected....